Ladies, does your husband, man, or boyfriend have social media accounts? If so, what does he do on them and who does he talk to in his DM’s? Does he say that he is being true to you but he has dating profile pages too? According to Psychology Today Magazine social media can affect the quality of our relationships. Studies show that frequent social media users demonstrate a higher level of negative relationship outcomes due to conflict related to increased feelings of insecurity, jealousy and anxiety. Studies also reveal that both men and women use social media to seek validation. However, when women post a selfie they are seeking validation from other women. They may acknowledge the men’s thirsty comments but they are looking for women to tell them that they are gorgeous or beautiful. Men, on the other hand, are seeking validation from other women also but they are looking to see if they are still marketable. This is especially true when a man has been in a long term relationship that has gotten stale. He wants to know that if his wife, woman, or girlfriend leaves him he can get another one.
Muppet News Flash: the reason most marriages and co-habitation relationships break up is not due to cheating but rather to the second law of thermodynamics, which is entropy. That is, the tendency of all things to descend into chaos. Relationships that are not given the proper attention tend to experience entropy or descend into chaos. Chaos then leads to things “like” validation seeking and/or cheating and cheating leads to break ups or divorce. Both partners, therefore, must give 100% attention to their relationship (not 50/50) in order to keep it from descending into chaos and ending.
Now, validation seeking may be OK because it is harmless in some ways. But what makes a man move from validation seeking to cheating? I have three (3) theories on why this is happening. The first one is called the: “Because He Can Theory”. There is always a woman who is ready and willing to have an affair or sleep with a man that she knows already has a wife, woman or girlfriend. Dogs are only able to be dogs because they are enabled by bitches in heat. Women can defeat the “Because He Can Theory” of cheating through solidarity or unification. Most people will reject this option by saying that women can never get together but I disagree. Black women, for example, appear to have made a pact or agreement that if a Black man criticizes any Black woman for any reason then he is no good. If all women agreed that they would not sleep with a man that has a wife, woman or girlfriend then men’s cheating days would come to an end.
My second theory on the reason why men cheat is: "The Dirt Theory". The Dirt Theory centers on the fact that GOD created men from the dirt. Thus men have a tendency to gravitate toward the dirt. This is why men are bottom line oriented in problem solving, want to get to the heart of a matter, or uncover the root cause. This is also why, ladies, when you are explaining something to a man, he is not interested in the details. Men have an innate desire to get to the “bottom” of things quickly or back to the dirt.
Watch the behavior of a little boy who has just been given a bath and dressed in clean clothes. His first instinct is to go outside and play in the dirt. The desire to get to the dirt is the reason some men want to have sex with a woman as quickly as he can after meeting her. He wants to quickly get to her “bottom”, if you will, to see if she will do all the “dirty” little things that his wife or woman won’t do. The desire to get back to the dirt is the reason why a man could leave a clean home and lie down with some dirty woman who couldn’t hold a candle to his wife. SOME men love to lay with dirty women as adults as much as they loved to play in the mud as boys. Rooting around in dirt is just part of a man’s nature. This is not an excuse for a man to use or for a woman to excuse cheating. It is just one theory.
The third theory that explains the reason why some men cheat on their beautiful, faithful, and dutiful wife is the: “Because He’s Insecure Theory”. The primary emotional stressors that men must contend with on a daily basis are anger, frustration, and confusion due largely to the pressure of trying to be a husband, father, and provider. Shortly after getting married, co-habitating, or having a baby men realize quickly that they don’t know everything they need to know in order to be a successful husband, father, and provider. The problem is compounded by ego. We know that we don’t know but we don’t want other people to know that we don’t know. Men suffer in silence as we try to fulfill all of the demands that our families and society place upon us while we are expected to be stronger than Sampson, wiser than Solomon, and wealthier than Rockefeller. We are required to know all and be everything when no one has actually told us how to do anything. Most days we are just doing the best we can with what we have and the pressure builds because we know that we don’t know enough.
Over 40% of men in America today were born to an unwed mother. If you are a Black man that number rises to over 70%. The greatest social, cultural, and financial problem plaguing every nation across the globe is fatherlessness. The pressure on men who grew up without a father is even more intense given the fact that we had no man to give us the knowledge we need to meet the demands and successfully perform in the multifaceted role of a man.
Being fatherless is causing many men to struggle psychologically and develop a high level of insecurity due to a lack of identity and a sense of purpose. Many men in today’s society have a problem leading their family because they have never been affirmed and confirmed by a father. GOD trained, developed and confirmed leadership in Adam before HE gave him Eve. Today, since the first time they experience the responsibility of leading is when they get married, most men are forced to develop into leaders on their own after they receive a wife. The problem with trying to learn to lead on the fly is a woman already has an intuitive idea of what her husband should be doing to lead. Therefore, she can see when her husband is winging it or just trying to fake it until he can make it. She may not know specifically what he should be doing in the man's role, but she knows that he is not doing what she believes he should be doing. Men try to cover their lack of knowledge by pretending to know. But his woman already knows that he doesn’t know.
Again, the thing that compounds the problem in this situation is a man’s ego. He knows that he doesn’t know, but he doesn’t want anyone (especially his wife) to know that he doesn’t know. He will get angry if she questions whether he knows what he is doing. Then, they will fight or argue and she might end up blurting out something that she didn’t mean like: Be a man! Although they love each other, their marriage can be destroyed due to his lack of knowledge and insecurity. His insecurity will make him appear to her to be immature and she will begin to look for a man who will be a man. Thus, a man who is married must get the knowledge he needs to remain married. This knowledge must come from a man that he respects who can inform and affirm his manhood in order to prepare him for successful fatherhood.
Until he finds that man, if you don’t want your marriage or relationship to end ladies, you must gift him with a couple of books that will at least help him receive some of the knowledge he needs. The first book that I recommend is titled: “Maximizing Fatherhood Master Class”. It shares everything a man needs that his dad never told him. The second book is titled: “Daily Bread: Transformational Devotion for Men”. If your man has been seeking validation, it is critical to keep him focused on his spiritual being in order to keep him from moving on to cheating. Click the covers below to get a preview of the books. If you want to purchase the paperback versions of these books instead of a download, you can find them on Amazon.com by clicking HERE.
